The 1st Annual "Rummy" Fantasy Football Awards

The 2011 Fantasy Football landscape ( or "Fake Football" as our buddy @Chetrazzball likes to refer) was filled with giant rocks and root systems that shifted the foundation of your fantasy team, & made it a shaky proposition. Thankfully you persevered, worked the waiver wire, & listened to the sage, albeit drunken advice of 2mugsff.com. The following is a compilation of the good, the bad, & the downright fugly of this obsession we all know as fantasy football. Without further adieu, the nominees...

 

The "Kevin Jones" 2nd Year Bust Award: You know who they are. They showed more promise than a butter substitute the previous year. They made you reach a round early, only to punch you in the proverbial nuts by mid season. These are the sophomore slumps we speak of...

 

LeGarrette Blount: Leaping lizards!!! He just leapfrogged a guy for a 6 yard gain. Big. Fucking. Deal. He doesn't catch passes, & he's as inconsistent as Matt Damon's career moves. You happily snatched him up as your # 2 RB, while vets like Darren Sproles & Fred Jackson dominated like the Gimp from "Pulp Fiction." In the meantime, Blount barely cracked your lineup each week & ate up roster space like Ross Ventrone.

 

Josh Freeman: Okay Rummy, that's enough!!! You're just picking on the poor Bucs! Am I , really? After a buttery soft schedule in 2010, the Bucs fell to earth like Dorothy's crib on the wicked witch of the East...only there were no cool midgets & poppy seeds. Freeman threw five more picks than he threw TDs during the fantasy football season. What more needs to be said? Chef Boy R' Dee, Bustaroni.

 

Sam Bradford: Sam the Ram was supposed to go off like bug spray, but instead, he struggled to stay healthy, & was outplayed by the likes of Kevin Kolb, Matt Moore & GULP, Blaine Gabbert! Needless to say, the STL Rams as a whole were a letdown , but from a fantasy perspective , Bradford was a bust to even those who drafted him as a QB#2.

 

And the winner is.... Sam Bradford! *cheap applause* We didn't see this one coming like the Buc nominees (who had a tougher schedule than in 2010), and Bradford subsequently regressed like he had Benjamin Button disease. Cheers to you Sam, you earned it!

 

 

The "Fuck Me, I Drafted That Guy & Expected To Ball Out All Year" Award: This is the simplest of all awards. The award where you anticipated to outsmart the competition and grab the guy everyone was "sleeping on", whether it be from an injury the year prior, or a holdout that prompted others to turn up their collective snouts to, like an unsavory cheese. Yes my kittens, these are those "can't miss" prospects...

 

Chris Johnson: Who knew gold teefus & a lengthy holdout in a lockout shortened season would lead to a bigger drop off in production than the makers of the PT Cruiser? Not this guy I, like many others, drafted "CJDiceK" in the 7-9 hole with the glee of high school misfits with a penchant for pop song mash-ups. While we waited for him to blow up...in weeks 1-5, 5-10, 10-15, our season went down the pooper in record fashion. Even vets like myself who got cute and traded him away for the like of Ryan Mathews got bit in the booty by the injury bug & had to trade, shuffle & maneuver their way into fantasy football mediocrity. Needless to say, the only bust Chris Johnson is awarded this season is not bronze, and it's nowhere near Canton.

 

Darren McFadden: If you didn't handcuff this talented, but fragile RB with Michael Bush, you enjoyed a shorter shelf life than a Norm MacDonald sitcom. It was a three week run for the ages. *fart*

 

The QB combo of Kolb & Schaub: Hey, it rhymes! Yeah, that's about all they got you this year, a really good line for a dirty limerick. Next time reach a little for QBs who can actually throw a deep route or who aren't perpetually in traction.

 

And the winner is... Chris Johnson! *crickets* Yeah, CJ had no injury excuses to really hang his 40 million dollar hat on, just indecisive running and the most disappointing money spent by fantasy owners, since the Matt Berry Fathead* (*not a real Fathead).

 

 

The "Run Tell Mammy, I Done Pulled my Hammy" Team: This needs no explanation really. These nice gents hamstrung your fantasy outlook with their tender little hamstrings...

 

Peyton Hillis: Pretty sure if you stare at the Madden 12' cover boy long enough, you can almost hear his hammy tighten up. First it was a holdout, but then it wasn't a holdout, then he pulled a hammy, or did he? Yeah it was a hammy...and it lingered...and lingered...and lingered. But wait! When he was finally healthy late in the year? Yeah, he still did nothing basically.

 

Andre Johnson: Yippee ka-yay! The Texans finally made the playoffs! Wait, Whuh? Matt Schaub is on IR, & Andre Johnson missed 9 games with a bum hammy? Well, cover me in honey and drop me off in badger country! Oh, and if you drafted Johnson as your number one pick at the end of round one? You'll be a lot like the Texans come playoff time...one and done.

 

Miles Austin: Alex Rodriguez's slow brother, did more to help the career of Laurent Robinson than a name change to something less girly. While he's made a late season push to "totally redeem himself", it was a little to late for some fantasy owners, as Romo began distributing the ball evenly to all his WRs, like he was Jesus splitting up the flatbread at the Last Supper.

 

 And the winner is... Andre Johnson. *groans* Settle down, I know he had a nagging injury, but he was your number one pick late in drafts, and he was supposed to give you that all so tasty PPR/Standard scoring combo platter with a side of hash. Sigh. Twas' not to be. To you, Dre, I pour out my 40. *cue Boyz2Men*

 

Hey, it's not all negative though...

 

The "Who took the Rookie from the Rookie Jar" Award: This is for the bold, & let's face it, downright lucky group that rolled the dice on a rookie in their fantasy drafts, & came up smelling like roses...

 

Cam Newton: Full disclosure, I didn't think any rookie QBs would succeed this year with a lockout shortened offseason, let alone finish third in total scoring among QBs in fantasy football. Cam Newton got it done via the air, and with his feet. Throwing for over 3700 yards & 17TDs, & rushing for over 600 yards & scampering for another 13 TDs. Fuck me. Nobody will overlook this stud next year, especially Steve Smith, who was single handedly pulled from the NFL ashes, to post a Phoenix-like 1300 yards & 6 TDs.

 

 A.J. Green: Elite talents just have a way of rising to the top, even with a ginger under center ( just kidding Andy Dalton). Green was a big reason for the Bengal's early success, despite battling through injuries on a frame that would have made Natalie Portman jealous. The "Black Swan" posted 61/1006/7 during the fantasy season, & will likely enjoy a much "beefier" ADP in 2012.

 

Roy Helu: If only "Shanihanigans" hadn't taken hold in D.C., imagine the possibilities. The 4th RD pick out of Nebraska was a preseason favorite of Rotoworld's Evan Silva & Chris Wesseling. Despite being the obvious best option in the Redskins backfield when Tim Hightower went down for the year, his upside in PPR leagues looks strong going forward...that is until Shanahan drafts 3 more backs & brings in 2 free agent RBs in 2012.

 

The winner is... DUH! Cam Newton! *cue Kanye's "Stronger"* Yep, the man that went undrafted in your fantasy drafts, was the waiver wire wonder of the year, and finished 3rd in fantasy scoring. If you havd him in on your roster, chances are you did real nice in the fantasy post season. Next year, his ADP jumps like Kriss Kross.

 

 

"From the Outhouse To the Penthouse" Award: Those are the guys who did little to drum up any excitement in fantasy circles, let alone merit an ounce of trust from us, due to their prior history of just being a roster slug...

 

Marshawn Lynch: I'll admit it, I have a Bills ( or former I this case) RB bias for anyone not named Fred Jackson. I was never a fan of Lynch in Buffalo, and when he joined the Seahawks, he was a ho-hum add in my eyes. It took 9 weeks of the NFL season, but since his performance in week 9 vs. Dallas, it's been all "Beast Mode" & Skittles for the hard running back out of Cal. How good was he? He was the only RB to find the end zone vs. the wall that is the SF defense this season.

 

C.J. Spiller: Yep, I told ya', not a fan of those Bills RBs. After Fred Jackson went down in week 11 and subsequently everyone rushed out to scoop up Spiller...I was not one of those people. It took a few weeks, but with a limited carry load, Spiller has put up Reggie Bush-like numbers ( a back I've often compared him too) and for three straight weeks has been a solid flex play in PPR leagues. Will I go all in in 2012? Likely not, but he's made a believer out of me in the short term. Speaking of Reggie Bush...

 

Reggie Bush: Remember when we all thought Daniel Thomas was going to snuff out any hope of Reggie Bush being a feature back in Miami? Well, that never really happened, and the joke was on us as Bush ( who was inconsistent at times early on), has been a flat out stud, shredding the Bills & Patriot defenses in weeks 15/16 I the fantasy playoffs. Well played, Bush-dashian.

 

And the winner is.... Marshawn Lynch! *Skittles Confetti* Yep, the man that proved that candy is better than energy bars, and had a face that only Mama Fratelli could love, went "Beast Mode" all over the 2nd half of the season, and capped it all off with a score against the previously seamless,

 

That wraps up our 2012 "Rummy" Awards, & we ask that you use the fire exits at both sides of the theater, & don't forget to tip your waitress, @FantasyTaz.